Burkie’s Big Hoax

So what’s the biggest hoax so far this October, Balloon Boy or Brian Burke’s Moronto Make Beliefs? Burke came to this town, fuller of hot air than ever, promising a better team and a harder team to play against. Savior G.M. Brian’s shallow plan was to install truculence, belligerence, and pugnacity. Desperate Leafs fans soaked it up. They’re so gullible. So aching for some real hope finally, they bought this buffoon’s sales pitch. Maybe for the first time in six years, the playoffs were really an attainable goal. Too bad someone forgot to remind Burkie that hockey talent wins hockey games, not sideshow goonery. And now, the Laughs are 0-6-1 to start the season. They’re in last place in the standings and all vital statistics. Once again, Leaf fans have been reminded what losers they really are. Even the scalpers outside the Air Canada center are having a hard time making a buck these days.

I’m tempted to ask myself, at what point do we stop laughing at hapless Leaf fans and actually start feeling sorry for them? I know ideally, we want to exterminate them, like the fumigation of termites, but maybe if we pity them, we’ll feel better about ourselves. Yeah, that’s it. Instead of encouraging the beating up of that kid wearing a Leaf jersey in the local school yard, I’ll tell them to lay off and show some pity for the lost kid. After all, it’s probably the fault of his abusive parents that he’s a despised Leafer to begin with.

I think the government should get involved. We need laws in Canadian society to eradicate Leafism entirely. How are Canadians supposed to compete in a global economy when we’re constantly reminded how mediocre we are by trash like the Leafs in our biggest city, playing our national sport? Go Leafs Go ANYWHERE ELSE!

On Bookshelves Now

Have you checked the standings? The Goddamn Leafs are at the bottom of the League today, in 30th place out of 30 teams. Did you know Leaf fans are suckers? Maybe I shouldn’t use the word “suckers.” It’s a bit harsh, given what I’m about to discuss.

This past week, the ugly monster known as child sexual abuse reared its ugly head when former NHL player Theoren Fleury revealed he was abused by a former coach. It immediately brought to mind the scandal at Maple Leaf Gardens several years ago when a pedophile ring of ushers, equipment managers and other Maple Leaf Management repeatedly abused dozens of helpless young boys. It lead to the eventual suicide of one of the victims, Martin Kruze who couldn’t deal with the inflicted damage.

What? You mean you never heard of this Maple Leaf horror story? It was well covered up by the Leafs and mostly ignored by their fans who caught word of it. How could the almighty Leafs be associated with such heinous crimes right under the noses of Leaf ownership in their own building? “Better to just forget it ever happened so we can continue to “Go Leafs Go” without a tinge of disgust or guilt.”

Do yourself a favour and GOOGLE “Maple Leaf Gardens sex scandal” right now. Or better yet, get the whole story and pick up a copy of this book. I dare you!

While you’re at the bookstore, be sure to pickup copies of the following treasures that essentially reveal why the Leafs can and will never be successful. There has been a Stanley Cup drought since 1967 for a reason. There will continue to be a Cupless Leaf Nation of Retardation for a long time to come. The absolute buffoonery that is the Toronto Maple Leafs is abominable. Inform yourself. Actually, you might not stop laughing, or crying if you’re a forlorn Leafs fan.

Please, any other team

I live in the Greater Toronto area. I’m a big hockey fan, but I hate the Leafs. I have for a long time. Maybe I know more about hockey than the average guy who is content just to use his or her passionate love of the game as a diversion from the stresses of daily life. I know that I’ve studied the game’s history more in-depth than most every day fans. I refuse to be sucked in by an extremely profitable business entity that has amply demonstrated since 1967: WINNING IS NOT A PRIORITY. I do not “root root root” for the home team. Hockey is too important to me and I am not a lemming. As far as I’m concerned, The Toronto Maple Leafs died in 1967 and since then, the brand name has been milked abusively for all it’s worth.

If you are a Leaf fan and boast that you “bleed blue and white”, you may think your unwavering loyalty is somehow noble. I think you’re a moron. Or maybe, you just don’t have all the facts to make an informed decision. No respectable human being would deliberately choose the Leafs as their team to cheer for and support if all the abominable facts were exposed and absorbed. You probably became a Leaf fan when you were a child and your mother had the TV on during a game. Somebody scored, fans cheered and ever since you’ve been a Leafs partisan because it is the franchise you’ve been force-fed most often. Hopefully, you have been successful in other areas of your life, because being a Leaf fan, you are robbing yourself of an element of contentment and satisfaction fans of most other teams feel, at least occasionally. Sorry but, in the eyes of others, you are a loser.

The statistics I have compiled below are derived from many sources. They are revealed to help you consider becoming a fan of any other team. You may find it difficult at first to wean yourself off your filthy Leaf habit. Believe me, it’s worth it. Just think of the guy who intended to stop smoking 40 years ago but never did. I bet he has regrets. Transform your life now. Make the positive change and become much happier. The world needs you to be a better person.

Warning: The following information contains suggestions of brutal fan abuse. Reader discretion is recommended.

Have you ever thought of cheering for the Boston Bruins? Did you know that since 1967, a member of the Bruins has finished among the NHL’s top-10 in scoring 44 times. It has only happened 15 times to a Leaf. The Bruins had Bobby Orr. What a great franchise.

How about the Red Wings? Do you kind of like them. You have to at least admire their organization. A misinformed Leaf fan will tell you that the Leafs have won more Stanley Cup than the Red Wings. FALSE. The city of Toronto has captured Lord Stanley’s Grail 13 times in NHL history but the first two were won by the Toronto Arenas and St. Pats. The team was purchased by Conn Smythe in 1926-27 and the name was changed to the Maple Leafs. Coincidently, that is the same year Detroit came into the league. Since then, both clubs have won 11 Cups. Four of the Cups won by the Red Wings have been since 1997 when it has a taken a full 16 playoff victories to win a championship. The Leafs have not won in an era when anymore than 8 playoff victories secured a Stanley Cup championship. Anyways, why am I comparing the Red Wings to the Leafs? It’s like trying to convince a nutritionist there is more food value in a bushel of fruits and vegetables than a golf ball.

If you admire the Red Wings, than you must revere the Montreal Canadiens – Ten Stanleys since 1967. The Leafs will not catch up in your lifetime. Ok, ok, becoming a Habs or Sens fan would make you a traitor amongst your fellow leafers. That would be unbearable. Fair enough. Just do the world a favor and don’t force your children to cheer for the decrepit Leafs when they play the Canadiens or Senators. We all want them to grow up and become strong, admirable citizens. They’re our future. OMG -Anybody but the Leafs.

Did you know that no Leaf player has won an NHL scoring championship since Gordie Drillon accomplished the feat in 1938? Remember Gordie? That’s before World War II. And there were only six teams in the NHL between 1942 and 1967. Gordie Drillon died in 1986. The Pittsburgh Penguins, on the other hand, have had a scoring champ 13 times since 1988. The Penguins would be a great team to cheer for. They’ve won the Cup 3 times since 1991.

No Leaf goalie has won the Vezina trophy as the NHL’s best goaltender since the award was shared by Terry Sawchuk and Johnny Bower in 1965. Since then, eight goalies of the Chicago Blackhawks have got their name on that particular piece of coveted silverware. Chicago remains the only NHL team to currently have a longer Stanley Cup drought than the Leafs, having last captured a title in 1961. But at least they’ve been to the Finals and competed for the Cup three times since 1967. They appear to be very competitive and knocking on the door again these days. Hurrah for the Blackhawks. On the other hand, the Leafs have not even been to the Finals since 1967. They have never won more than two playoff series in any playoff year. That is not only pitiable, it’s shocking. Do you know how many different teams have at least been to the final in the past 42 years? Almost all of them!

No Leaf player has ever won the James Norris Trophy as the League’s best defenseman. Along with winning, defense is not a Leaf priority. Two members of the St. Louis Blues have won the important award. Like most other cities in professional sports, St. Louis has to win for their fans to be enthusiastic. The Blues have yet to win a Cup since 1967 but at least they too have been to the Finals three times. The St. Louis Blues have an all-time winning record against the Leafs of W-90, L-88, T-25, OL-1. Most of the teams in the NHL have an all-time winning record against the hapless Leafs. I’m sure that doesn’t surprise you. Go Blues Go. Go Sharks Go. Go Avalanche Go. Go Devils Go. Go ‘Canes Go. Go anybody but the bloody Leafs.

The last time a Leaf player won the Hart trophy as the league’s MVP voted by the Professional Hockey Writer’s association was 1955. By that time, Ted Kennedy was a fading light and certainly didn’t earn the award based on his 1954-55 season play. It was more of a retirement gift. Things have changed since those days before rock ‘n roll. Now Ovechkin wins Harts. The Washington capitals are certainly a great team to pull for these days. This could be their year.

The players vote for an MVP too and award a separate trophy, the Lester B. Pearson trophy. No Leaf has won that either. The rest of the players in the NHL hate the Leafs.

The Philadelphia Flyers have kicked Leaf ass since Day 1. They’ve taken 5 out of 6 playoff series against the Leafs in history and have a regular season record of W-78, L-48, T-22, OL-2. Similar story for the Buffalo Sabres who have demolished the Laffs from their beginning in 1970.

Listen, I could go on and on about the number of team and individual awards NOT won by the Leafs since Sgt. Pepper was still a private. I could tell you why ANY NHL team is better and more satisfying to cheer for than the moronic Leafs. QUICK -Who was the last Leaf to win the Calder as rookie-of-the-year? …the awful stats go on and on and on. It’s obnoxiously sad.

Why do Leaf fans continue to make their selfish, greedy and uncaring owners the richest franchise in the NHL? Is that what a true hockey fan really wants? All the reason to hate Leafs Nation of Retardation even more. Get another team, any other team. For Christ sakes get a life!

Welcome to the BRAND NEW Official Leafs-Suck.com Blog

Mike Moore, a Leafs-Suck.com fan and true Leaf hater has decided to take on the role of the Leafs-Suck.com’s blog writer. Stay tuned here for true facts of why the Leafs really do suck.