Burkie’s Big Hoax

So what’s the biggest hoax so far this October, Balloon Boy or Brian Burke’s Moronto Make Beliefs? Burke came to this town, fuller of hot air than ever, promising a better team and a harder team to play against. Savior G.M. Brian’s shallow plan was to install truculence, belligerence, and pugnacity. Desperate Leafs fans soaked it up. They’re so gullible. So aching for some real hope finally, they bought this buffoon’s sales pitch. Maybe for the first time in six years, the playoffs were really an attainable goal. Too bad someone forgot to remind Burkie that hockey talent wins hockey games, not sideshow goonery. And now, the Laughs are 0-6-1 to start the season. They’re in last place in the standings and all vital statistics. Once again, Leaf fans have been reminded what losers they really are. Even the scalpers outside the Air Canada center are having a hard time making a buck these days.

I’m tempted to ask myself, at what point do we stop laughing at hapless Leaf fans and actually start feeling sorry for them? I know ideally, we want to exterminate them, like the fumigation of termites, but maybe if we pity them, we’ll feel better about ourselves. Yeah, that’s it. Instead of encouraging the beating up of that kid wearing a Leaf jersey in the local school yard, I’ll tell them to lay off and show some pity for the lost kid. After all, it’s probably the fault of his abusive parents that he’s a despised Leafer to begin with.

I think the government should get involved. We need laws in Canadian society to eradicate Leafism entirely. How are Canadians supposed to compete in a global economy when we’re constantly reminded how mediocre we are by trash like the Leafs in our biggest city, playing our national sport? Go Leafs Go ANYWHERE ELSE!

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